Cutting the Apron Strings
- By Lisa Smith
- Published 08/31/2009
- Youth
- Unrated
Lisa Smith
Lisa M. Smith is Production Manager at African-American News&Issues.
I always said that if I were to have a child, I would want it to be a boy. When I found out I was pregnant and carrying a male child, I envisioned myself teaching him how to treat (not mistreat) women and the meaning of being responsibile for himself. On October 28, 2004, my son, Joshua was born and that was the day my work began.
It is often said that a mother-son relationship actually not only determines what sons think about themselves, but also what they think about women, period. It is also said that “a boy’s view of the world is affected by what the mother has demonstrated.” Although he just began Kindergarten this past week, my son knows how to clean up behind himself, put dishes away, clean the table after eating, help wash and fold clothes, and much more.
He enjoys helping me out. In addition, it keeps him busy while learning life skills. I want Joshua to be able to say that his mama taught him how to take good care of himself. With everything that I am instilling in him now, by the time he turns 16, he should be able to obtain his first job with an establishment utilizing learned skills along with general knowledge.
Recently, my mama passed away. Although her death did have a hard effect on our lives (Pops, my sister, and myself), my brother took it the worst. Quite naturally, we knew it would hit him the hardest, because he is the only boy and the youngest of three. Whereas, Pops showed my brother “tough love,” Mama was quite the opposite.
When my brother “left the nest,” she still made it her business to talk to him every day. And although he knows how to do his own laundry (she taught us), from time-to-time she still did his. She claimed that she wanted “to make sure that his clothes were being cleaned correctly,” among the other little things she would do for him.
He confided in her about everything; girls, life, jobs, etc. In so many ways, she was one of his best friends. While we were gathering things for her funeral, we came across a jewelry box containing his class ring. He picked it up and said, “The only reason I still have this ring is because of Mama, she wouldn’t let me have it. She was scared I would lose it or something.”
Then, he broke down. It may be sad, but the harsh reality is all this had me thinking about my son being able to live without me one day. Our boys should grow up to be well-rounded men and successful individuals. I’m not only speaking of careerwise, because all parents would love nothing more than to see their child(ren) make good money and to take care of themselves. I’m speaking more of being successful with life, without being labeled a “Mama’s Boy” or “Baby Boy.”
In an excerpt from the infamous Willie Lynch letter, “How to Make a Slave,” it clearly states that the mother of a Black male will be in fear for her son, therefore, “she will psychologically train him to be mentally weak and dependent, but physically strong.” Whenever I read that statement, I think about how true this is. Females are better mentally equipped to handle things that most male counterparts can not.
We as mothers need to be able to cut the apron strings that tie us to our sons. We must allow them to step out on their own and tackle life their own way and give them the opportunity to make their own decisions. We need to also demand respect from them, so that they will learn how to respect women in general.
Make him go outside and cut the grass, take out the trash, or just do something to keep from being lazy. My son’s grandmother called me one day while he was spending the weekend with her. She told me that as they were getting ready to leave, my son pushed the door open with his little body and stood in front of the door, holding it open for her.
She asked him what he was doing, and he told her, “Noni, you have to let me hold the door open for you because my mama said to hold the door open for ladies.” She told me, “You’re teaching your lil’ son how to treat a woman early. I’m so proud of you.” She also thanked him and told him how proud she was of him for learning how to become a gentleman as he gets older.
That gesture lets me know, that not only does he pay attention to what his mama tells him, but that he knows exactly when and how to do it. I recently shared with one of my co-workers that I had actually took the time, sat down and watched the Jamie Foxx movie “Ray” for the first time. As I watched it, there was a certain scene I didn’t understand at first, until I really began thinking about it.
During one of his “visions,” shortly after losing his sight as a little boy, Ray Charles walked into the house and tripped over a chair inside the doorway. He began crying and calling for his mama to come help him. His exact words were, “Mama, I need you, where are you?”
She was getting ready to come to his aide, but she stopped and just stared at him. She wanted to see what he could do independently. As she stood very quietly, he stopped crying, got up and began to listen to the background and feel his way around, touching different things.
After a while, he said “Mama, I hear you, too,” and walked to her and she cried and hugged him. I realized that she was teaching him to rely on his senses and be independent without her assistance. This is the same approach that we must utilize when dealing with boys/young men in real life, not just in a movie. First of all, we must be “role models” for our boys.
Many of our actions as a mother can have a larger impact on our sons. Communication is the key to all relationships. True enough, there are some things that a boy can not tell his mama.
However, it is up to you to have a positive relationship with your son. At all cost, try to avoid negative conversation in regards to their father or any man, in front of your son. We have to tendency to compare our son(s) to their father.
If children hear negative connotations regarding their father, then what makes you think that they will not think the same way about themselves? If all they hear is negativity, then they will think and do the same. We should also expose them to positive extracurricular activities. Secondly, we must be mindful of the type of company we keep in their presence.
If you want your son to shun destructive/abusive behavior, then, you must not allow your male company to act this way. Lastly, we must realize that we must show them that we have confidence and support their judgment. We have lived and learned through our own mistakes, and so shall they.
All we can do is simply be there to support them anyway we can, without over-stepping our boundaries. We must be able to know when and how to cut the apron strings with our sons, and allow them to grow and become successful men. Books and programs are fine, but teaching them from home is the best way.
Robert Jones (left), Spencer Clark (rear, center) and Byron Williams (right)
are just a few of the young men participating in the Summer Youth
Employment Program sponsored by the African-American Chamber of
Commerce of Greater Houston. Positive extracurricular activities are just
one way young Black males learn life skills that will help them to become successful.
Photo by Erica C. Davis
It is often said that a mother-son relationship actually not only determines what sons think about themselves, but also what they think about women, period. It is also said that “a boy’s view of the world is affected by what the mother has demonstrated.” Although he just began Kindergarten this past week, my son knows how to clean up behind himself, put dishes away, clean the table after eating, help wash and fold clothes, and much more.
He enjoys helping me out. In addition, it keeps him busy while learning life skills. I want Joshua to be able to say that his mama taught him how to take good care of himself. With everything that I am instilling in him now, by the time he turns 16, he should be able to obtain his first job with an establishment utilizing learned skills along with general knowledge.
Recently, my mama passed away. Although her death did have a hard effect on our lives (Pops, my sister, and myself), my brother took it the worst. Quite naturally, we knew it would hit him the hardest, because he is the only boy and the youngest of three. Whereas, Pops showed my brother “tough love,” Mama was quite the opposite.
When my brother “left the nest,” she still made it her business to talk to him every day. And although he knows how to do his own laundry (she taught us), from time-to-time she still did his. She claimed that she wanted “to make sure that his clothes were being cleaned correctly,” among the other little things she would do for him.
He confided in her about everything; girls, life, jobs, etc. In so many ways, she was one of his best friends. While we were gathering things for her funeral, we came across a jewelry box containing his class ring. He picked it up and said, “The only reason I still have this ring is because of Mama, she wouldn’t let me have it. She was scared I would lose it or something.”
Then, he broke down. It may be sad, but the harsh reality is all this had me thinking about my son being able to live without me one day. Our boys should grow up to be well-rounded men and successful individuals. I’m not only speaking of careerwise, because all parents would love nothing more than to see their child(ren) make good money and to take care of themselves. I’m speaking more of being successful with life, without being labeled a “Mama’s Boy” or “Baby Boy.”
In an excerpt from the infamous Willie Lynch letter, “How to Make a Slave,” it clearly states that the mother of a Black male will be in fear for her son, therefore, “she will psychologically train him to be mentally weak and dependent, but physically strong.” Whenever I read that statement, I think about how true this is. Females are better mentally equipped to handle things that most male counterparts can not.
We as mothers need to be able to cut the apron strings that tie us to our sons. We must allow them to step out on their own and tackle life their own way and give them the opportunity to make their own decisions. We need to also demand respect from them, so that they will learn how to respect women in general.
Make him go outside and cut the grass, take out the trash, or just do something to keep from being lazy. My son’s grandmother called me one day while he was spending the weekend with her. She told me that as they were getting ready to leave, my son pushed the door open with his little body and stood in front of the door, holding it open for her.
She asked him what he was doing, and he told her, “Noni, you have to let me hold the door open for you because my mama said to hold the door open for ladies.” She told me, “You’re teaching your lil’ son how to treat a woman early. I’m so proud of you.” She also thanked him and told him how proud she was of him for learning how to become a gentleman as he gets older.
That gesture lets me know, that not only does he pay attention to what his mama tells him, but that he knows exactly when and how to do it. I recently shared with one of my co-workers that I had actually took the time, sat down and watched the Jamie Foxx movie “Ray” for the first time. As I watched it, there was a certain scene I didn’t understand at first, until I really began thinking about it.
During one of his “visions,” shortly after losing his sight as a little boy, Ray Charles walked into the house and tripped over a chair inside the doorway. He began crying and calling for his mama to come help him. His exact words were, “Mama, I need you, where are you?”
She was getting ready to come to his aide, but she stopped and just stared at him. She wanted to see what he could do independently. As she stood very quietly, he stopped crying, got up and began to listen to the background and feel his way around, touching different things.
After a while, he said “Mama, I hear you, too,” and walked to her and she cried and hugged him. I realized that she was teaching him to rely on his senses and be independent without her assistance. This is the same approach that we must utilize when dealing with boys/young men in real life, not just in a movie. First of all, we must be “role models” for our boys.
Many of our actions as a mother can have a larger impact on our sons. Communication is the key to all relationships. True enough, there are some things that a boy can not tell his mama.
However, it is up to you to have a positive relationship with your son. At all cost, try to avoid negative conversation in regards to their father or any man, in front of your son. We have to tendency to compare our son(s) to their father.
If children hear negative connotations regarding their father, then what makes you think that they will not think the same way about themselves? If all they hear is negativity, then they will think and do the same. We should also expose them to positive extracurricular activities. Secondly, we must be mindful of the type of company we keep in their presence.
If you want your son to shun destructive/abusive behavior, then, you must not allow your male company to act this way. Lastly, we must realize that we must show them that we have confidence and support their judgment. We have lived and learned through our own mistakes, and so shall they.
All we can do is simply be there to support them anyway we can, without over-stepping our boundaries. We must be able to know when and how to cut the apron strings with our sons, and allow them to grow and become successful men. Books and programs are fine, but teaching them from home is the best way.
Robert Jones (left), Spencer Clark (rear, center) and Byron Williams (right)
are just a few of the young men participating in the Summer Youth
Employment Program sponsored by the African-American Chamber of
Commerce of Greater Houston. Positive extracurricular activities are just
one way young Black males learn life skills that will help them to become successful.
Photo by Erica C. Davis