Mother’s Day 2006

Does “Sisterhood” negate family values?

By Bud Johnson

    “The longest standing myth about Black women is that they are meant to be the pillars of strength in the American family. As the myth of the Strong Black Woman took hold in the American psyche, it denied Black women the opportunity to create self-realized and personally fulfilling lives. Black women had no choice but to forsake opportunities to create lives of their own; today, the myth continues to threaten the Strong Black Woman’s ability to embrace a deeper experience of love, self-care, sisterhood, and joy in her life.” On the other hand, there’s a preponderance of evidence that Black women’s quest for self-fulfillment and happiness is the root cause of the demise of Black family values?
As nebulous as that indictment is, African-AmericanNews&Issues would be remiss not to challenge the preface from Toby Thompkin’s book, “The Real Lives of Strong Black Women.” Thompkins (a New York author, consultant, executive coach and professional speaker on the topics of personal growth, leadership, relationships, and cultural and social healing) certainly gives one cause to pause and ponder—as we happily approach Mother’s Day 2006-- the state of Black America’s family values. Proverbs 31 “Sisters” aside, made in America Africans would have to be in abject denial to disagree with the salient fact that today’s grandmothers are as far from being like the “Big Mommas” of yesteryear, as the east is from the west. Then again, the breakdown of Black family values has been a topic for heated debate for over two decades.
Unfortunately, the ongoing debate has contributed to the ever increasing gulf between arrogant Black males that insist on wearing the pants in their relationships with significant others, and “Super Sisters,” wont to subscribe to the mantra, “If a man ain’t helping, he can get to stepping…because I can do bad by myself.”
For sure, it’s a small wonder why the term “irreconcilable differences,” has replaced “for better or worse” in the marital vows. Defensive Black males tend to believe that Black women have become insensitive to their history because they aren’t impacted by discrimination and racism as severely as they are. However, Thompkin’s spin on that issue is, “Black men in this culture are still in a lot of pain, and while Black women know this, I am not convinced that they know the best thing to do about it.
“When she deals with Black men, the Strong Black Woman's nurturing instinct kicks in, and before you know it, she has disregarded (if not thrown away) her own self-care for the sake of restoring these men. While this is a noble move, it can send the wrong message to our Black children-that for a woman, taking care of men should take priority over taking care of herself and loving herself and respecting herself as she deserves.” Converse-ly, a further study by David Popenoe (professor of sociology at Rutgers University and co-director of the Na-tional Marriage Project), reveals: “Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children.
“Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband, the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be ‘badly behaved.’ Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.” Insofar as rampant unemployment among young Black males, the chasm between Black men and women will grow even wider, so it’s safe to say that things are going to get much worse before they get better for African American families. However, there’s light at the end of the tunnel according to author and educator Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu, who argues that his archetype—the myth—of strong Black women isn’t a myth.
Instead, it’s a reality when viewed from a true Black perspective. He explains, “The Strong Black Woman (phenomena) is unique to the black family; it drives all kinds of decisions that shape its character. Usually, the Strong Black Woman figures in the family, whether the mother, a grandmother, a big sister, or an aunt, sets the life expectations and rules for all the other members of the family, especially the young girls. They also create models of behavior for young boys. For example, when boys reach manhood, the early influence of the Strong Black Woman model can significantly affect how they behave toward women.” Even so, in spite of all of negatives that have disproportionately impacted made in America African males and Black families historically, according to Dr. Popenoe’s study, the nation’s privileged White America’s families aren’t fairing too much better. Happy Mother’s Day 2006.