Woebeit I oftimes question my sanity, inasmuch as I've always had cause to pause and ponder whether, or not, I’m what my born again brothers and sister in Jesus the Christ allude to as being “saved.” Consequently, when preachers ask true believers for a show on hands, during a service, I’m much like the Lone Ranger, after Tonto punked out and asked, “What-cha mean ‘we’re surrounded (by red skins) paleface?” As the young preacher from Cor-pus Christi, Rev. Kraig Pullam (now leading his own flock at Cornerstone BC, over in Pearland), use to say, “You’ll get that tomorrow,” during his sermons when he was Pleasant Hill BC ‘s Minster of Christian Education.
Ignorant believers notwithstanding, if my lingering doubts about my personal salvation smacks of Agnosticism, please believe that I’m not a bit confused about my faith in the great “I AM.” Instead, I’m simply not in denial therefore, I must confess that I really don’t know thy self. For sure, I think I know me better than a whole lot of folks know who they are but, I’ve too often changed courses in the middle of the stream, to be absolutely-- without a shadow of a doubt-- certain that I’ll believe tomorrow, what I believe today. If you can’t feel me here, mayhap, you need an example. When I can stand looking at the poor woman in Florida, who made a damn lie out of every Christian, i.e. Pres. George W. (who ap-parently believes that any kind of life is better than death), I think that there’s no way, this side of hell, I’d want to live like that.
Faith of mustard seeds aside, I actually had been rehearsing how I would react to the death of my beloved family members since I was old enough to grasp the concept of suffering, pain and death being common denominators. As tight as my momma and I were, I wasn’t the least bit shaken when she unexpectedly died. She was rushed to the hospital around 5:30 p.m. (after complaining about feeling weak while she was cooking supper), and died around 3:00 a.m. the next morning. I thought every thing was fine when talked with her on phone, My last words were, “I’ll see you in the morning,” insofar as she knew I had been working all night--into the wee of the morn-- literally putting the Forward Times newspaper together and wanted me to get some rest. She was considerate that way. But alas, morning never came for her, insofar as she passed about two hours later.
As my pastor consoled and ministered to my family, he noticed that I wasn’t grieving so, he told me, “Bud go ahead and cry man, you ain’t iron.” My retort even surprised me, because I found myself saying, “ I’m a Christian Rev.” If you promise not to queue up The Twilight Zone theme, I’ll share the rest of that philosophy with you. Square business, I compare my religious beliefs to banking. My anthem is, if you keep putting money in a bank, but can’t draw from your account when you need to, you should change banks. You’ll probably get that one tomorrow too. Even so, what I’m saying is, I try as best I can to practice what I preach. Hence, there’s no way I can believe in Jesus the Christ’s plan of salvation and act a fool when my love ones claim their heavenly reward... for a job well done. I won’t bore you with too much personal information, but I didn’t allow NO! life support for my father and brother.
In fact, I actually had to go off on a soft hearted nurse who hooked daddy (who had told me that he wanted to “go home to God”), up to a life sustaining nutrient drip. The Outer Limits of sanity aside, I don’t believe that Jesus is real, any more than I believe that there’s intelligent life throughout the universe. Nevertheless, I pride myself on understanding where Paul was coming from when he told the Apostles, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow ‘as others’ who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus”- (1 Thessalon-ians 4: 13, 14). Thus, since life is a crap shoot…I cover all bets. So what up, with you supposed to be blessed and highly favored, born again true believers who nut up at your folk’s funerals?
Are you as confused as the sister who truly believed (in her heart and confessed with her mouth) that God anointed her baby (“Sun”), to be sunshine for this sin sick world, although he couldn’t live on his own? Yet, when the plug was pulled, she got angry with God and denounced her faith. Hey, don’t you dare judge that sister until you’ve been there and done differently from her. I wonder if anybody knows where I’m coming from?